


A Commendable Effort

by ColourShot



Category: Filthy Rich & Catflap (TV)
Genre: A good bit of awkwardness, Forgive Me, Humor, M/M, One Shot, Self-Indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:28:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27798487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColourShot/pseuds/ColourShot
Summary: An attempt to steal money from his agent goes quite wrong because Richie is involved and he can’t help but mess up and make everything terribly awkward.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	A Commendable Effort

**Author's Note:**

> I very recently got to watching Filthy Rich & Catflap and this idea popped into my head after finishing the second episode. I hope it's sufficiently nasty for this gross trio of bastards. 
> 
> This is the first thing I've written with these characters so apologies if anything sounds super OOC!

“RICHIE!” Richie nearly jumped out of his skin. _Bloody hell!_ He stuck his head out of his room. 

“WHAT?” He barked back at Eddie. He’d been _trying_ to practice his Shakespeare before that great git had disturbed him.

“WE HAVE...NO FOOD!” Eddie made a sort of sweeping gesture with his arms. Richie on the other hand, was trying to cover his ears, lest they burst from the yelling. 

“Yes yes, I think we can stop with the screaming now. I’m in the same room as you.” Richie grumbled, uncovering his ears.

“RIGHT!”

“Eddie!”

“Oh...sorry.” Eddie adjusted the volume of his voice before continuing. “We still have no food.” Richie followed Eddie’s gaze to their many empty cupboards. He wasn’t wrong but still…

“And just what exactly do you want **me** to do about it?”

“Well...I did actually have an idea…” Eddie began to look away sheepishly, fiddling with his hands slightly. Oh no. Nothing good ever followed _that_ look. Richie almost didn’t want to ask.

“What is it?”

“You know how you need money for food…”

“Oh honestly Eddie, I’m not _as_ thick as you. Of course I know that.” Richie scoffed. “Now spit out whatever terrible idea you have, I tire of this conversation already.” So did Eddie, in fact he already felt like punching the poncy twat in the face - though that wasn’t exactly out of the ordinary. Still, he needed Richie conscious for this plan to work so he decided against the very appealing idea of knocking him out.

“Yes well...who do we know who’s got money and is close to us?” Eddie chose to ignore the comment about his intelligence, for now. No doubt he’d get Richie back for it. Given he didn’t forget to. “Someone who-” He made a few odd hand movements “-might be easy to take such funds from?” Richie didn’t seem to catch on, so much for Eddie being the thicker of the pair.

“Who?”

“For god's sake Richie, Ralph! Ralph Filthy, your bloody agent.” Richie’s eyes widened at that, a look of mock horror on his face. 

“You’re not seriously suggesting we **steal** from our agent, our dear, poor agen-”

“Oh come off it, Richie. You can’t expect me to believe you’re above _that_.”

“You’re right, I’m not. It’s just…” Richie sat down, sighing. “It didn’t go very well last time. Plus who’s to say he has any more cash on him than us?” 

“Well he’s bound to have _something!_ ” Eddie joined him on their couch, carrying the tomato sauce bottle - perhaps the last consumable item left in the house. “Plus I’m getting pretty bloody hungry and I’d like to eat something a little more than **THIS!** ” He held up the bottle before taking a swig of it.

“Alright alright but I still don’t see what your plan has to do with _me._ ”

“You’re gonna distract him, enough so you can steal from him.”

“I-This is _your_ bloody plan mister! Just why exactly do _I_ have to do all the work? Besides, how would I even go about doing so in the first place?” Eddie hadn’t quite thought the whole plan through. Still, it didn’t stop him from making up any old crap. 

“Er...well you’re the best actor out of us!” That (predictably) got Richie’s attention. Seeing him perk up made Eddie lay the praise on even thicker. “Yes…you’re a wonderful actor, it should be _easy_ for you to come up with something. Improvise a little!” Eddie downed another mouthful of the sauce, only slightly grimacing at the taste.

“ **REALLY** Eddie, do you seriously expect me to fall for such cheap flattery?”

“Erm-”

“Well you’re absolutely right. I _am_ the best actor. You’re on!” Richie jumped up, already on the way to call over his _dear_ agent. Eddie counted himself lucky that Richie was as vain as he was stupid.

**

As Richie stood by the door, waiting for Ralph to stumble through it, he began to feel rather nervous. He hadn’t exactly considered _how_ he was going to distract the man. He supposed tackling him to the ground the second he entered and shouting “stick it up buster” was a bit extreme. Although not _totally_ out of the question…

Richie wasn’t given much time to ponder this as the door burst open, just narrowly missing smacking him square in the face. Ralph stumbled in, coughing his lungs out. 

“Filthy!”

“Richiee!”

“Filthyyy!”

“Richieeee!” Eddie rolled his eyes, this felt like it could go on for some time.

“Filthyyyyy!” Richie let out one more time before rushing forward to embrace Ralph in a rather impromptu hug. He grimaced slightly as his nostrils were invaded by the scent of cigarettes and alcohol. This wasn’t exactly how he had planned to distract Ralph but it seemed to be working. He gave Richie a rather confused and somewhat strained smile before trying to disentangle himself from Richie’s arms.

“W-Wait!” Richie panicked slightly, only managing to pull Ralph closer - likely the exact opposite of what the agent had wanted. “Uh…” He didn’t really know what to say, he felt his hands scrabbling to access the man's pockets, it seemed like a rather pathetic and obvious attempt to pickpocket but Ralph hadn’t commented on it yet. He only succeeded in putting his hands in a rather _awkward_ spot...just above his backside. Oh dear-

Richie closed his eyes and just _prayed_ that someone would come along and end his life right then and there. A hot breath on his face got him to open his eyes again. _Bloody hell, Ralph was staring directly at him, jesus, ruddy hell-_ Richie forced himself to look past Ralph’s piercing gaze and over at Eddie who was giving him a “ _What in the name of all that is holy do you think you’re doing?!_ ” look. Richie cringed and looked back at Ralph. God he wished he would stop staring at him, he was growing awfully hot. Although Richie couldn’t exactly blame him for staring, _he practically had his hands all over the man's bottom!_ He really felt like passing out completely. But he couldn’t, he’d come this far. He was going to get that goddamn money.

After what felt like an eternity, Richie moved his hands away, uttering a quick “ _Sorry._ ” Ralph had stayed deathly silent but a small, rather sleazy smile was beginning to creep onto his face as he watched Richie become even more red-faced and flustered. A smile which made the actor sweat even more. Richie (mercifully) finally found what he was looking for, Ralph’s pockets. He stuffed his hands into them rather clumsily. In Richie's own deluded world, Ralph still had _no_ idea what was going on and this plan had gone completely perfectly.

His delusions were somewhat backed up by the fact that when Richie pulled away, hands full of stolen cash, Ralph hadn’t seemed to have noticed very much. Richie slipped the money into his pockets, smiled at Filthy and stepped away. _Bloody brilliant! The plan had worked-_

“Darling, darling” Ralph stopped Richie before he could properly move away. Richie felt panic began to prick the back of his neck but he put on what he _thought_ was a brave face (he was much too terrible of an actor to not look completely petrified). 

“Yess?” He tried to sound relaxed, failing horribly. Ralph pulled him back into an embrace, albeit a much looser one than Richie had previously had them in. The smell of tobacco overpowered him all over again, Richie had to stop himself from coughing. He was already feeling lightheaded from all this _touchy feely_ business and the cigarette smell was _not_ helping in the slightest. Richie could feel the agent's hands on his body, Jesus Christ! Just where did he exactly think he was putting those things?!-

“That was a _commendable_ effort, darling-” They’d gone straight to his pockets, phew! Hold on! No wait...that meant- “But you underestimate me.” Ralph slipped out his hands, returning the cash to his own pockets, that same smile returning to his lips. For someone who was very likely on his 10th drink of the morning, he was surprisingly nimble. Richie’s face was a burning red, his features contorted into an expression of extreme embarrassment and a hint of rage. Eddie had been a fat lot of help, _the complete and utter bastard!_ He’d make sure to tell him off for that later on. Just as soon he was done with this...whole mess. Ralph didn’t seem completely done with him yet.

“Darling, I wouldn’t recommend doing that again. As you know, I don’t forgive easily.” Yes, Richie _did_ remember Filthy telling them about how much he _hated_ people “watering his whiskey”. That was just before they had attempted - rather poorly - to kill him…He’d let them off for worse than this, Richie was _seriously_ hoping this was a similar situation. Richie seemed to be in luck, Filthy let him go and stumbled over to the couch, falling onto it without much grace.

“Now, did you just call me over to rob me or did you have something you _actually_ wanted from me? Besides my money.” Richie looked away guiltily. 

“Erm...well...no, not really…”


End file.
